I can remember getting hired two years ago and my first thought being, “How did this happen?” I was convinced that the church had made some horrible mistake. On top of feeling like I was a bad hire, I was terrified to get started because I had no idea what I was doing. I thought, “Surely they will realize how awful I am at this job and fire me.”
I thought this feeling of inadequacy would eventually wear off but it didn’t. In fact, it bled through onto everything I did during my first two years. I constantly thought everyone was doubting me. I was unable to make confident decisions because I didn’t trust myself. I was crippled by insecurity.
It was exhausting.
I tried so hard to keep it hidden. I put on a confident mask and acted as if I was okay. There was only one problem, I wasn’t okay. I was hurting myself with the painful thoughts of inadequacy. It wasn’t just hurting me, but it was also hurting my ministry.
I finally hit rock bottom. I felt like my only two options were to quit or to go talk to someone. I decided to talk to one of my mentors. I was totally unprepared for the life changing perspective I was about to get from her.
I want to share two of those lessons with you.
My church voted and confirmed me as Student Pastor.
This seems so obvious, yet we dismiss it so quickly. My church interviewed me and felt like God was calling me to fill this position. Not only did they agree to hire me, but they continued to support me. Somehow I lost sight of this in the midst of all of my insecurities. I placed my insecurities onto them. I convinced myself that they felt the same way about myself that I did. As a result, I distanced myself from them.
Our insecurities can expose the lack of trust we have in those around us. We can project our own thoughts onto people. We convince ourselves that they see what we see in ourselves. I felt as if I was not good enough, so surely our church didn’t think I was good enough. It was a lie that I bought into for two years.
Insecurity shows our lack of trust in the God who called us.
This was the second but most important lesson I learned. I never realized how little I was trusting God in the process of feeling so inadequate. I was claiming that He called me to ministry but living as if He hadn’t. I was convinced that God made a mistake in calling me to ministry.
My insecurities were so deep that I had started to doubt the God of my calling and the task in which He called me.
These two lessons were game changers for me. Knowing God called me to this task and confirmed it through His church ignited a fire in my soul once more.
If you are fighting the battle of feeling inadequate, stop what you are doing and remember the God who called you to ministry. We must remember the God of our calling and the promises He has for us. He desires to use you to advance His Kingdom.
So, if you are feeling inadequate for the task in which you are called, here is a word of encouragement for you:
The God that called you will sustain you. He will use you to make much of His name. We must simply get out of His way. We must deny ourselves, including our insecurities, and seek Him. It is God that calls you and equips you. Trust Him.
Don’t give up. Look to God and see all that He has for you.